Till Deaths Do We Part
by Bamfing Bob
Summary: Deadpool finally falls in love with his idol, Bea Arthur, but a band of revenge-fueled celebrities see that he pays for what he took from the world of entertainment to get there. In Memory of Bea Arthur.


The Golden Girls reunion is definitely one of the C-List top celebrity events to happen this year. All of three hundred screaming fans wait outside of the doors of the San Diego Community Event Center to catch a glimpse of Rue McClanahan or some obscure producer no one cares about. Which is a great cover for a different kind of screaming: that of a security guard being run through by none other than everyone's favorite mercenary. The lovable, cuddly Deadpool. Isn't he cute?!

Inside the ever-elite Event Center, various balloons are tethered to tables holding scrapbooks, punchbowls, and colorful napkins. You find several small cliques reminiscing favorite moments on the set and inquiring the latest news from former friends. In slips Deadpool, sporting an "I 3 B A" shirt over his usual attire. 'Yeah, I'll just blend in', he thinks to himself, yellow boxes not included for the purposes of this fanfic. He searches through each small group until he spots her. The beautiful object of his undying affection. Bea Arthur. Wearing a blue sequined dress, she talks with two unknown people. Deadpool almost loses his sneaky blending-in composure at first sight. 'I can take out dozens of Skrull clones in less than four issues', thinks Deadpool, 'This should be easy.'

Deadpool walks over Bea's way, attempting his best to look dashing in a cheap T-Shirt and a Halloween costume. Not easy to do, but Deadpool does have skill. Standing behind Bea, he pulls the usual *ahem* out of the cliché sleeve and she turns around. She looks at his mask, then the shirt, then back up at his mask. She seems charmed by him, despite a strange feeling of danger and unease. Deadpool opens his mouth to speak and, for once in his life, can't think of a word to say.

"Well hello there" says Bea Arthur.

"I love you" replies Deadpool. 'Damn' he thinks.

"I can see that" says Bea, pointing to his shirt. "Would you like to have some punch?"

"It, uh… it would be an honor, Miss Arthur" he says, bowing and looking like a jackass.

They get some punch ,stroll over to a nearby table, and take a seat. "So," says Bea, "What brings you here tonight? How did you even get in?"

"Well, I had to murder the bouncer to get in…" Deadpool starts as Bea Arthur laughs to herself, thinking it's some sort of joke. "And I just had to meet you. I've loved you since I first saw you and I knew this would be the perfect place to meet you. I'm just glad those other ladies aren't around to ruin it".

"Rue and Estelle aren't so bad, but Betty gets on my last nerve…"

"Why is that?" asks Deadpool with actual concern in his voice.

"On the day we shot the series finale in '92, that dumb broad filled my Oldsmobile full of condoms and spray painted 'whore' across my windshield. I'll never forgive her. Sometimes I wish she would just die already…"

"… Can you excuse me for a moment?" asks Deadpool as he excuses himself to hunt down Betty White. Literally.

Betty didn't see it coming. One minute she is discussing her latest PARADE interview, the next she's hurrying to her death. Apparently, a certain someone found a dying kitten in the alley behind the Center and called for Betty's assistance with this delicate matter. She raced out the emergency exit (which didn't go off due to the same someone) and saw no one. "Thank you for being a friend" were the last words she heard before Deadpool loped her head off in one clean swing.

Bea took it kinda hard. When Wade opened up the Hefty bag to reveal an awestruck face of her ex-co-star, she nearly fainted. Apparently a beheading wasn't what she had in mind… but she was unusually flattered by the masked gentleman's loyalty. That and he had a rockin T-Shirt. So four mixed drinks later, Bea invited Mr. Wilson to her home. There they bumped uglies. And trust me… it's ugly… if I were to recall some of the disgusting things attempted, you would run from your computer bleeding from the eye sockets. *Insert mental picture here*

So anyway, blah blah blah, yadda yadda… they fall in love. All that jazz. I could write it out for you, but trust me… it's either boring or gross so I won't bother with details. Baby oil. Handcuffs. Vicks Vaporub. Figure it out.

Deadpool is now officially the happiest man alive. He has the old lady of his dreams and killed the broad who made her miserable. They are celebrating their one week anniversary by going out to a corner bistro to share a sandwich, when out of nowhere, a van roars down the sidewalk straight for the odd couple *GASP!* Deadpool grabs Bea and dives into the street. The van parks right on top of the turkey/swiss melt and out comes Danny Bonaduce, Keith Richards, Captain Planet, and the cast of High School Musical.

"Hey, I was gonna finish that you know!" yelled Deadpool at this motley crew.

"And we're gonna finish you, ya stupid bastard!" retorted Keith Richards.

"Yeah", says Captain Planet, "we're members of the Official Betty White Fan Club and we're here for revenge Deathstroke!"

"It's Deadpool dammit! Why do people always confuse us?!"

"Well, you know, the whole Slade/Wade thing and the color motif…" says Corbin Bleu.

"Never mind that. Today you die!!" yells Danny Bonaduce.

"Oh yeah?" asks Deadpool. He pulls out a pistol and fires a round at Danny's face. He brandishes a pair of steel drumsticks and deflects the bullet. Unfortunately for Team Betty, that deflected bullet hits Keith Richards in the temple. 'One down' thinks Deadpool.

Then, Zac Efron begins the next musical number. "And five, six seven, eight. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh" I know duhs don't look impressive, but that's the Mortal Kombat theme a capella. Captain Planet lunges at Deadpool, fist thrust forward and fast as a blur. Deadpool dodges underneath the blow and counters behind him with a tap on his spandex-covered butt. Now even more determined, Cap shoots forward again. But, again, Deadpool dodges and Cap's blow lands on Bonaduce's jawbone, causing the head of a former child star to land in Bea Arthur's soup. Oddly enough, the HSM kids begin "Getcha Head in tha Game". "Wow…" says Deadpool, "These kids are good…"

So now it's Deadpool VS Captain Planet. FIGHT! Cap, realizing his foe is trickier than meets the eye, blows Deadpool through a hardware shop window and into a tub of three-quarter inch nails. He gets up and jumps through the shattered window while shooting, then pulls out his katana and slices at Captain Planet's neck. He cuts a lock of green hair. Barely. "Ha ha" chuckles Cap as he smashes Wade ten feet down through the asphalt. He then jumps up and down on Deadpool as though he were trying to pop a stubborn balloon. After a few good blows, Cap lands in the street, content with the whoopin he has dished out. Bea walks up to him and slaps him in the face. "You should be ashamed of yourself."

Realizing the error of his ways, Captain Planet turns and gets back in the van. "Come on kids. Time to go."

"But we haven't sung th…"

"Get in the damn van, queer!" (Deadpool wonders who Cap is addressing from the bottom of the hole, but realizes it doesn't matter cuz they all kinda play for the other team.)

They drive away as Wade crawls out of the hole looking somewhat pathetic. Bea leans down and says "Look, it was fun, but the whole 'dating a superhero' thing involves too much drama and me heart can only take so much. I think it's best we go our separate ways. Goodbye my love." Bea hails a cab and disappears around a corner.

"Well, you know what they say." Deadpool tells the Nightscrawlers community. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… Oh who am I kidding?" He falls back into the hole and cries.

ALT ENDING(s)

1. Captain planet lands on the road and Bea comes up to him and kicks him in the balls. Apparently, this is a weakness because he collapses. Deadpool climbs out and kicks him a few times more, then proceeds to shoot the kids in the head (on beat, no doubt) and they sing "We're all in this together". Bea explains she can't be with a man who'd shoot singing children and hails a cab.

2. After shooting the HSM cast, Bea says "My hero!" And kisses him on the mask. He's then shaken awake by Weasel, who says "DUDE! You were out for 6 hours solid… I put special mushrooms on your pizza and you were trippin balls! April fools!!!" Deadpool breaks his arm and yells various profanities.

3. Captain Planet lands on the road next to the hole and Bea walks over. She leans to look in at pieces of Deadpool and says "Sorry Wade, but he is clearly better than you are. Plus, I have a thing for blue guys." She takes Cap by the hand and they walk down the street. Deadpool says "What is it with chicks and blue guys?!"


End file.
